The buzzing hum from the fluorescent lights echoed the buzzing in my nervous system. I sat waiting for my first appointment at the post polio clinic at the IRCP. My complexion was as white as the paper that covered the exam table. I felt as fragile and vulnerable as that piece of paper that gets ripped off and tossed away after the exam. Every inch of my body hurt. I was exhausted. I was sick and tired of feeling
sick and tired. I hadn’t really cared whether or not I woke up in the morning but I had a husband and twins that needed me. Ironically enough I was at the peak of my career as a VA social worker. I couldn’t sleep. I felt depressed. My award-winning career as a social worker at the Department of Veterans Affairs no longer fueled my soul. Somewhere deep inside of me there was a feeling that there had to be a way out of the hell I was living in.
The symptoms began in 1996. I had episodes of feeling fatigue and muscle burning. I was anxious. At times, I noticed that the limp from paralytic polio returned. In 1992, I had reconstructive leg surgery to correct the deformity of my left leg and to avoid a total knee replacement at the young age of 39 years old. Here I was 7 years later feeling as though my body was beginning to deteriorate and my life falling apart.
As I was carrying the laundry from the 2nd floor to the basement today I reflected on how I felt 15 years ago. I could barely walk up one flight of stairs let alone carry a laundry basket. After exhaustive testing, the diagnosis of Post Polio Syndrome was made in December of 2006. I pleaded with the Occupational Therapist to help me work for 3 more years until I would be eligible for retirement.
I did not take kindly to being dependent on my family members. I was a Type A personality on steroids. I knew I needed to leave my award winning career as a VA social worker. The Team at Spaulding said if there were any chance of stabilizing the symptoms where they were, I had to consider leaving my career. I needed to use a toe up leg brace, a cane and a wheelchair for mobility whenever I needed to travel long distances and to confront the reality that I would probably need to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair.
There was a possibility I would need a feeding tube given that the left side of my esophagus was sluggish and causing me to aspirate food into my lungs. They recommended a sleep apnea machine at night to try to improve my breathing since my lungs were not operating at full capacity as a result of the paralytic polio I contracted at the age of 5. I refused and in February got still and asked for Divine Guidance. I did not like where my life was heading and knew I had to do something if I were going to have a life.
I knew that my mind, body and soul were crying out for healing from the effects of paralytic polio and severe childhood trauma.
We used Pea Pod for grocery deliveries. I started to journal and focused on gratitude. And then a portal to healing opened wide as my pen became my divining rod for healing. Poetry poured out of me visualizing a future very different than the ones the Team predicted for me. Poetry was a powerful vehicle to also heal my past.
The first poem, 'Running the Race' foreshadowed my 2009 Boston Marathon run. The Brookline Tab covered my journey with Fifty Years After Polio, a Brookline Woman is Fighting Back and Once Crippled by Polio, a Brookline Woman Now Running Her First Marathon.
Forgiveness, faith and gratitude were the lynch pins during those early days of my healing journey as I feverishly wrote poetry channeled through Spirit to take me on a journey of miraculous healing.
I continue to practice an attitude of gratitude and know that every step is a gift and every mile I continue to run is a blessing. I no longer have the tub chair, the cane, the toe up leg brace or the wrist splint that were prescribed for me. I feel the joy of being able to grocery shop (even though we still have to wear masks and be socially distant when we do.
It's been fifteen years since my first visit to Spaulding and the diagnosis that would set me on a journey of miraculous transformation.
I remember how I asked for Divine Guidance to help lift me out of the dark night of my mind, body and soul. I remember the days when I prayed for everything I am so blessed to experience now!
Faring Well
Facing fears
dread dripping like candle’s hot wax
must not let it snuff out my light
it’s time to bid farewell my dear
past is past
I passed the tests
transform thoughts
fare well with happiness and health
peace and prosperity
abundance
relief
comfort
at ease
butterfly on the breeze
sweet nectar of life
now flows.
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In health and wellness
Mary
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