It's especially in times of stress that we need to rest and remember. During these past few weeks, Ruth Anne had a lot of medical appointments. In hindsight, I realized that I was focused on helping to boost Ruth Anne's spirits through the appointments and procedures and not balancing it with my own self-care. Without going into details and staying focused on health and well being, there were some concerning moments during the past few weeks. Thank God everything is okay; more than okay with a better diagnosis, and treatment plan, and a plan for prevention of UTI's. Everything that happened during the 7 weeks of hospitalization can now be healed and her body is recovering from the toxic meds. Despite all of my knowledge about self-care and the need for mindfulness, I must admit, I got caught up in the whirlwind of stress.
I experienced anxiety and depression and had great difficulty reaching for thoughts that would help me to better manage the stressful situations. After all, it is never the stress itself but the lens through which we view the stress. I found myself feeling triggered from both childhood trauma and the more recent trauma of Ruth Anne's health crises. It is vital that I greet all of my feelings and behaviors with kindness and compassion including when I wanted to ditch the Bermuda trip and forego taking on the 10K. In all fairness to me, this came from not knowing if the results of one of Ruth Anne's scans would require immediate attention and we'd be unable to go.
On Monday, as Tom and I were about to get out the door and get our miles in over his lunch hour, the skies opened with wind swept rain. Even though the temperatures were warm, we opted to do a rigorous strength training session and planned to get in our miles on Tuesday.
We got up at 6:15am on Tuesday to get Ruth Anne to her liver ultrasound. She couldn't have anything to eat or drink. In sympatico, we didn't either. The waiting room was crowded. The air was stale. We took deep breaths to calm our anxiety and focused on prayer that all would be well. We let out a collective sigh when the procedure was over. Tom and I got in our miles over his lunch hour. Despite feeling exhausted, I knew that the fresh air and beauty of the Reservoir would serve as a wonderful antidote to the stress of the morning.
I have always been a push through, do what needs to be done kind of gal. I keep it together during the crisis and then fall apart once it's safe to do so. Only this time, I have a race on the horizon and need to be exquisitely diligent about taking care of myself. As often happens, my body cried out and said whoa girl. You've got to start taking better care of yourself! The stress manifested in my body as a cold. Ruth Anne's body also experienced the same symptoms. I had not had a cold in four years! That cold was a gift. It was a reminder that it's time to release the trauma; that worry and fear only rob us of today's pleasures and joys. Somehow the colds became a symbol for our incredible resilience and 'gave us permission' to take a lot of time for rest, reflection and meditation. It gave Ruth Anne confidence in her body's ability to experience and overcome an infection without a tail spin into a crisis. It's amazing how having competent and caring professionals to partner with has helped to transform Ruth Anne's relationship with her body. The cold was a reminder that I need to ask for support and help releasing all the pressure I put on myself.
I was able to talk with Tom about my feelings and need for support, expressing my fears and worries, while putting together a plan to ensure that I didn't wallow in that dark place. I revisited my notes from Deena Kastor's book in which she talks about repetition is the mother of learning; how vital it is to have an array of tools available to pull from a tool box to emerge from negativity. Rather than get up with Tom at 7am, after we did our meta meditation, I stayed in bed for extended meditation harnessing the power of the mind/body connection from Dr. David Hamilton's website and Personal Development Club. I repeated the meditations in the afternoon and before bed to help my body reset from the prolonged stress response I was experiencing. If I woke up in the middle of the night or while being present in the shower, I'd sift through what was underneath all the panic and fear; what could I do to release it? What do I need to let go of and not take with me into 2024. What do I want to take with me into 2024? I was amazed at how quickly old habits came to the fore in the face of crisis yet how blessed I am to have the awareness and tools to emerge from those patterns. Transformation is never a once and done kind of experience. Tom pointed out that part of the problem was my sheer exhaustion and feeling shell shocked from Ruth Anne's health crises.
Before fully emerging from the anxiety and depression, to make an energy shirt, I pulled out the suitcases and started to pack. It was my declaration to myself and the Universe that it's full steam ahead on the road to the Bermuda Triangle Challenge 10K and a celebration of 17 years of healing and my 70th birthday. I remind myself that I am a conscious creator, a mighty manifester and able to meet any challenge that may come my way. I also know that the more positive energy I generate, the more fortified I am to create positive outcomes and meet challenges with greater ease and flexibility.
Tom and I decided that I would take a few days off from workouts until we celebrate 70 minutes of miles on my 70th birthday. He lovingly reminded me that the hay is in the barn. I've had a great training cycle and the best thing I can do for myself in preparation for race day is to rest with a couple of easy miles the week of New Year's. Race week is for getting ready to travel and focus on mental preparation.
This weekend is for resting, feasting, relaxing, reading, playing a game of Scrabble or two, listening to music, connecting with family and friends, being present and experiencing the joys of giving and receiving gifts. It's a time to heal and say goodbye to a year that was fraught with the most unimaginable challenges and incredible triumphs. Most important of all, this weekend is a time to rest and remember; to feel the light, to be the light and to celebrate my light as I get ready to embrace the sensational seventies!
From my heart to yours
In health and wellness,
Mary
My books that pack powerful messages of healing, hope and possibilities are available on Amazon
Thank you to Mike Reilly for featuring my story on Stories From the Finish Line Sponsored by CURAD Performance Series to inspire others.
Be sure to subscribe to the On The Runs podcast for stories of individuals who are fierce and determined to overcome challenges, set goals and crush them. Here is the link to my Episode 56.
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Be sure to download and subscribe to the AdaptX podcast. Here's the link to my wonderful conversation with host Brendan Aylward sharing my journey of transformation and healing in the wake of polio, Post-Polio syndrome and trauma.
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